threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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