Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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