Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
