if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
