I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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