god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
