I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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