Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
