Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
