I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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