If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
