I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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