your parents love me but you hate me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
BRING THE BAGELS
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize