Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
