Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
