I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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