Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
