I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize