Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
