There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
