im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize