I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
