She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
