Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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