I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
