I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize