nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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