I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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