I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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