I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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