matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
