ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize