thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
