And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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