oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
