then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
