Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize