Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
