When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
