I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
