No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
