it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
