I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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