Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
