my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
