Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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