i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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