He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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