I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
