I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
