Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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