I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
