Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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