My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
