I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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