just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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