I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
