6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
