Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
