we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As shirtless as possible
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
